Checked In

Well y’all it’s official, I’m checking myself in —

I checked into God’s Psychiatric Hospital, the Holy Bible Institute, and have been making progress.

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Let me tell y’all what a year it has been! Can you believe the last article I posted was almost 10 months ago?! Isn’t that so encouraging! For 10 months I have been completely obsolete and far away from God — doing my own thing and living that rebellious life I had always longed for. For many of you, I hope you can sense my complete and utter sarcasm within those last few sentences. This year has definitely been a year of growth — in some aspects great, whereas for majority of it, not so great.

The great thing about the God you and I serve, is that he is an understanding and patient God. He wishes only the best for us even when we are not willing to listen. Sometimes, we have to touch the fire in order to understand how hot it actually is. Now for some of us, we may actually have to get burned to fully understand, but thankfully God didn’t allow me to go that far. Although God is in control of everything, we have the ability of free will in which we are able to decide which paths we would rather go on. It is similar to the game of LIFE; some of us take the college path whereas others take the career path. With God, he always gives you a choice and you can either do what he calls you to do or run from it. If you are truly in Christ, once you are his you are always his. So, regardless of what path you choose you’re going to ultimately end up where God wants you, you just get to choose how you’ll get there — a path full of avoidable and unavoidable obstacles or a path with avoidable and  unavoidable obstacles, but the Lord your God is right there with you to get you through it. I chose the first one since I am an “independent” woman and I “know” what’s best for me.

During this year I have turned into a shadow of myself. I wasn’t experiencing true joy. I had a void in my heart that I was trying to replace with other things i.e. partying, friends, guys, sex, material things, money and so many others. I was not acting like myself. I fell into a deep depression and had completely checked out of life. This year I was diagnosed with Biliary Colic and found out I had gallstones at 20. I turned 21 and didn’t celebrate with any friends because “I didn’t have any friends.” My grades in my classes started slipping because I fell behind in my work. I stopped going to work and haven’t been working for the last month and a half. I literally had slipped into such a low point in my life. There were so many good things going on around me, yet I kept zoning in on the negative and allowing it to consume me. I didn’t want to live anymore. I contemplated many times what life would be like if I just left everything right now. My life had zero purpose and I just felt worn out and used. The worst part was no one seemed to understand where I was coming from. Everyone just said,

“Oh, it’s just a phase! Don’t worry about it. You’re Alicia, you’ll be back to normal within a few days.”

Little did they know, I wasn’t myself. I was a complete hollow shell of myself. I felt worse because I felt I was letting everyone down. The world was on my shoulders and I couldn’t carry it. I couldn’t do it anymore. I just wanted it all to be over. This season was  becoming too difficult for me to bear. However, that all changed on October 23 and 24. For some reason, I felt compelled to read this bible my dad bought me back in June called Sisters in Faith. Instead of reading the bible, I read the preface and introduction of it. In this bible it focused on Faith in God, yourself, others, family and career. After I read the explanations for each section of faith, I came to a section titled  “salvation.” This section spoke straight into my heart. It was here I prayed for reconciliation to the Lord and to restore my life with him. THE VERY NEXT MORNING WHEN I WOKE UP, I declared and redevoted my life to Christ.

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Y’all God is REAL! 

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That morning I was convicted to read the bible, but I didn’t know where to start. I was in-between 1Thessalonians (my church was going through that book currently) or Romans (my small group was reading through some of these chapters). Therefore, I decided to just pray and ask God. I currently had the bible app open and on Romans. I closed my eyes, kept my phone in my hand, and asked God if I should read those or something else; if something else, I asked him to tell me what. I kid you not, once I opened up my eyes after prayer, I looked at my phone and the book that was open was not Romans, but John! I was shook! I didn’t know if this was real life or not. God literally showed me a sign and his presence was right there with me. I was so overwhelmed! I literally broke down, prayed for forgiveness and accepted Christ into my heart. That was the first time since I have been “saved” 7 years ago that I have actually felt God’s presence and embraced it.

I KNOW GOD! GOD IS REAL! HE IS ALWAYS WITH ME AND ALWAYS HAS BEEN! MY EYES HAVE BEEN OPENED AND MY HEART CLEARED!

I have never felt so much joy and peace. I surrendered everything to my heavenly father! I gave him everything I was holding onto in that moment and he freed me. I don’t have any guilt or shame. Even through my tears of regretfullness and shame, he poured his love out to me and I am only so grateful of his grace and mercy. He knows I don’t deserve it, but he still gives it whole heartedly. This is the type of God you and I serve! A God who doesn’t give up on us, even when we have given up on ourselves. A God who accepts you as the mess you are. A God who restores and uplifts you. If this is not the type of God that you serve, then you are serving the wrong one.

Our God is awesome and he can move mountains! Amen! 

There is so much more I would love to share, but I will save that for the next post. Just know, I am checked into God’s full care and I am doing wonderful. It’s only been a week, but this week with God has been better than this entire year, even my life. Knowing God is the best feeling in the world and I am so glad I am able to share it with you all.

Until next time,

Alicia Xo