Deception

As I write this I contemplate on how to begin. Yesterday I felt completely overwhelmed and utterly alone. I questioned God. I was angry with him. I felt like he had abandoned me.

Lately, I’ve been questioning who I am and who/what I want. Being now a senior in college, I have to really look ahead towards the future. I had to evaluate myself and how I wish my future to be. Even to be only 20, many of my friends are getting engaged or are becoming mothers. Even on social media all I see are new relationships and people starting towards their future goals. You see kids your own age becoming successful and you begin to envy that. Having all of these images and thoughts flash through my head, creates a distorted mindset that I need to be in a relationship – that I need to start getting my life together – that I need to do this all alone and that I have limited time.

Growing up as the eldest of four, I, without a doubt, was the bossy sibling. I was the second mom in the household. I grew up believing that the only way to get something done was to do it myself. I was independent and I didn’t need assistance. Many times it wasn’t because I didn’t want help, but rather that I didn’t want to be a burden or hear “no I can’t, not right now.” I feel as if I am always there for others, but no one is there for me. I didn’t want to be disappointed, hurt or let down time and time again. I couldn’t trust others to be there for me. So when it comes to relationships I put on a facade that I don’t need you, but in all reality, I feel like I always need them.

God is a jealous God, and he knows what’s best for us. When I put all of my heart and effort trying to find my “perfect” relationship, that means I am not using that to nurture the only relationship that matters – my relationship with Jesus Christ.

If I had a true relationship with Jesus Christ, I would know that I am never alone. I would have the utmost faith to trust in him and his plans for my life. I would know that because he loves me so much he will provide a man that will love and care for me. If I had a relationship with Jesus Christ, I would know that I can’t do this alone.

We face many challenges in life and we fail time and time again, but we serve a God that never fails. Sometimes we may hate what situation we are in or what things are going on around us, but we need to have faith and trust that our relationship with Christ is pure and good. God’s no is for an even greater yes. We don’t need to have our lives planned out to the dot because plans change all of the time, especially if your plan is not God’s plan.

Although at times it’s discouraging, we have to trust that God’s plan and will is greater than our own. That doesn’t mean what we desire won’t happen, but rather it will happen when and how God needs it to happen in order to reach more of his people. When we become a Christian our life is not our own – it’s God’s. We declared to pick up our cross and follow him, which means we declared to carry whatever load God gave us and trust in him to guide us. The cross we carry is not nearly as heavy as the cross Jesus carried before he died for our sins on it.

We deceive our selves and others all the time. We say “I’m fine,” when we really aren’t. We smile when we are really angry. We do this to protect ourselves and/or others from the deep truth hidden within our hearts. No matter how you are feeling talk (pray) to God about it. He may know what’s in our hearts, but we still need to tell him.

Friends do not deceive yourselves into thinking that God is not there for you and that he doesn’t care about you. God is never changing, so when we feel far from God it is not God who moved. Grow deeper in love with Christ. Build a relationship with the person you declared your life for. We cannot truly understand God, when we don’t put forth the heart and effort to know him.

Stay blessed and continue to pray for me,

Alicia