I haven’t posted on here for some months now. I really have no excuses as to why that is, but I do have some explanations.
First and foremost, I want to catch you guys up on what’s been going on in my life.
- I recently broke up with my boyfriend whom I had been dating for about 2 1/2 years
- I became an official partner at my church, Mission Church
- I just started my Junior year of college
- I am currently studying abroad as a National Student Exchange student at St. Croix, Virgin Islands
I have been here almost a month and have discovered more about myself than I have ever before.
I have discovered that:
- I have a hard time being alone – I struggle with not having a relationship connection with someone
- I still try to fit in and don’t really voice my opinions
- I thought I would build a greater relationship with Christ being here, but instead I find myself doing the opposite
- I am a truly lustful person
- I don’t know who I really am or what I really want
- I don’t have a relationship with Jesus
There are still many other discoveries, but I really wanted to highlight those.
Through out my life, I have really struggled with being content with what I have. I try to force myself to be grateful, but then I just feel resentment and anger.
Being here in the Virgin Islands, has made that clear to me. I am in paradise doing what others wish they could do, but yet I still complain because there’s no AC or reliable transportation.
I get jealous of my friends back home or here because they’re doing what I wish I could do . I have a major problem of comparing myself to others and highlighting their faults instead of my own.
One of the girls I grew up with is getting married and I envy her so much. I envy her because she found a Godly husband who loves her and loves God. She is an amazing Godly woman and everyone around her just adores her. People want to be around her and check on her. She has built Godly lasting relationships and her life speaks the Gospel.
I am envious of her because that is all I want in life – a true relationship with God and Godly relationships.
And who is to say I can’t have those things – ME.
I tell myself I can’t have those things because I am too sinful. I am too unloving. I am too unworthy. I AM NOT DESERVING.
I trick myself into believing those lies. I listen to those lies and try to use my past to support it.
Me – A man has never loved me!
God – LIE! I have and will always love you! Jeremiah 1:5; 1 John 4:10
Me – I will never amount to anything!
God – LIE! I will support you and lift you up with my right hand! Jeremiah 29:11; Exodus 14:14; Isaiah 41:10
Me – I am too sinful! I am undeserving!
God – LIE! I have come to save the sinners! You are a precious gem in my sight! Isaiah 43:4; Romans 5:8; Ephesians 2:4-5
Any excuse you can possibly come up with, God will have an even greater rebuttal and show you, YOU ARE LOVED!
Because you are precious in my eyes, and honored, and I love you, I give men in return for you, peoples in exchange for your life. Fear not, for I am with you.
I mentioned that I had broken up with my boyfriend. I actually broke up with him several other times prior to this last time, and you know why? I honestly cannot give you a genuine explanation, because I was not genuine when I did it.
I lost my virginity my senior year in high school. I thought it was the end of the world. I thought I was going to Hell. I thought I let my whole family down.
Losing my virginity created a very low point in my life. I was miserable and disgusted with myself. What I thought was even worse was that I was the FCA (Fellowship of Christian Athlete) Vice President.
I signed a contract and took an oath that I would be abstinence and I failed. I took that so seriously and so I let it crush me. That is when I started moving away from God’s people and the Church. I felt as if I couldn’t talk to anyone. So I didn’t.
I buried that inside and it ate me alive. I felt like such a hypocrite. I couldn’t tell someone how to live their life, when I’m living in it worse and I am supposed to a Christian. Christians already had a bad rap and I didn’t want to be considered one of those.
So for the last few years, I lived a lie. I told everyone I was fine. I told everyone who asked me about my relationship with Christ, I was fine. But truth be told, I wasn’t. I was depressed, angry, envious, disheartened. I literally felt alone. I still feel this way.
In the beginning I stated, I learned I can’t be alone. I can’t. I put my boyfriend in the position of God. I put everything into our relationship and I pushed our relationship into basically a marriage. I wanted him around all of the time. I wanted him to give me all the answers. I wanted him to treat me how God would treat me, because he was my God.
God was no longer apart of my life and so my boyfriend needed to be the one there. That was so selfish of me and it really jeopardized our relationship. It distorted our concept of love and what we really were suppose to be looking for.
That is why being away in the Virgin Islands has really shown me what I was doing and how, because I find myself still going back to those aspects and qualities. I only want him around to make me feel good and loved, but that’s not what a relationship is.
The way I have been living my life the past 3 years has been terrible. I have been living a selfish lie, searching for answers that have already been found. The only relationship I need to have, especially right now, is a relationship with Jesus.
Friends I open up to you about this because I am tired of living behind a mask. I need to be fully open so I can receive accountability for my actions – so I can receive help.
You can’t fill the void in your heart of where Jesus is supposed to be with other things such as relationships, food, pornography, social media, etc. I’ve done those and they don’t work! They may provide temporary satisfaction and healing, but if you’re like me, we need an eternal love and satisfaction, and that my friends only comes from Jesus!
Stay Blessed and continue to pray for me.
– Alicia
Enchanted Women Ministries 
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